Cowboys and Martians

"America's Team" Redux? A lot of people are chirping about the Dallas Cowboys and all the talent they have, how the Cowboy’s owner wants to win at all costs, how they will be the next Super Bowl Champions, yadda freaking yadda. Look, Cowboy fans, your team will not only fail to win it all, but thanks to the likes of Terrell "25 Million Reasons to Live," Owens, CrapMan Jones, Tank "Shoot First, Ask About My Parole Violation Later" Johnson, Jessica "If Only I Could 'SCREEEAMM' Like My Sister Ashlee" Simpson, and Jerry "Steinbrenner" Jones, I'm looking forward to watching this mega-timebomb explode and implode simultaneously, then taking a cruise to Texas Stadium and having a major-league tailgate party while cooking up a mess of steaks and sausages with the burning remains of the 2008 Cowboys season…with relish! Anybody who truly believes this demented crew has the fortitude to put their disturbing reputations aside for the good of the team long enough to get to the playoffs, let alone the Super Bowl, is really pushing the limits of sanity…which, now that I think about it, obviously means they can relate to this bunch.

So Much For Mannymania: Let's review: Last winter the Los Angeles Dodgers bring in Joe Torre, arguably the best manager in baseball over the last dozen years with four World Series wins and 12 straight postseason appearances with the Yankees. Then at the trade deadline they make one of the most startling acquisitions in years by getting Manny Ramirez, one of the best hitters of our time (and two-time World Series champ with the Red Sox), and he gets off to a killer start. But after a few weeks it’s become obvious that even a future Hall of Fame manager and Manny being Manny cannot prevent the Dodgers from being the Dodgers. There's something seriously wrong at Chavez Ravine.

Ocho Psycho: Chad Johnson has legally changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco. He’d been dropping hints about it for a while and apparently it became official last week, at least according to several media reports. "It’s something I don’t think anyone has ever done before," Johnson - er, Mr. Cinco - told the Cincinnati Bengals Web site. "Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I’m having fun." Hmm. I suppose he is if that's what gets him off. (Then again, maybe he’s auditioning for the Cowboys) Memo to Chad: On this planet, normal human beings on and off the field know that winning is a lot more fun than dragging attention to your stupid mountain range-sized opinion of yourself. It's what you're paid your obscene salary to do. But narcissists like Johnson, Terrell Owens, Deion Sanders and the like couldn't care less because they’re more interested in their self-glossing touchdown celebrations and their money instead of winning. And don’t even think of telling me about Sanders’ two Super Bowl rings. The '94 49ers and the '95 Cowboys were already favored to win before he even signed with those teams. He just latched on for the ride because he was never a player you could build a winning team around. And, like most egomaniacs, if anybody went negative on him he would regress into a whiny brat. Just ask Tim McCarver who, after a playoff baseball game in which he criticized Sanders’ base stealing technique (which he was right about), Sanders doused him several times with ice water in the locker room, which was very dangerous because McCarver, in the middle of an interview, had a live microphone in his hand. Real smart thinking there, Deion. I'll give you credit for being a phenomenal athlete, but you were a legend in your own mind.

Frankly, I hope Ocho stinkos, because the wrath of the team and it’s fans is just what this walking ego-trip deserves. After last season ended he demanded a trade and the Bengals told him just what he could do with his demand. Cincinnati is tired of his garbage because in spite of his numbers, he’s never been close to sniffing a Super Bowl. If he ever does win it all (with this franchise, not a Sanders-style glom-job), then he has the right to dance on the 50-yard line all night long and I will tip my hat to him.

I’m not holding my breath. Or wearing my hat.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match: And finally, congratulations to the Atlanta Brave fans (Both of you). You finally have a team that's worthy of your attendance habits.