Letters From the Abyss

Dear Kobe Bryant and LeBron James,

Thank you for your auditions. The jobs are yours as soon as the windows open.

Sincerely,
- The Knicks

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Dear Joe Torre,

Guess you were right.

"Love,"
- A-Fraud

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Dear A-Roid,

Always room for one more.

Sincerely,
- Jose Cansteroid, Barroid, McGwiroid, Palmeiroid, and Roidger

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Dear Andruw Jones,

Thank you for signing and here are your P.E.Ds. Don't worry, we've helped many players over the years (and Lord knows you need the help).

- The Texas Rangers pharmaceutical staff

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Dear Stephon Marbury,

Well??!

Sincerely,
- Your career

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Dear MLB,

WELL??!!!

Sincerely,
- Manny Ramirez, Adam Dunn, Bobby Abreu, Garrett Anderson, and Ken Griffey Jr's careers

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Dear Michael Phelps,

Good luck with your new image, man.

Regards,

- Cheech and Chong