Baseball 2009

Ahhh, Spring Training. The sights and sounds of the game, the warm, sunny weather melting away the winter blues, the smaller, more intimate ballparks, the smell of the grass, players signing autographs, a time when it’s all optimism and fun and everyone is in first place because exhibition standings don’t mean a thing. But, like schoolkids trudging in from the playground to the classroom, once the bell rings it all changes. So here are some things (and some desperately needed adverti$ing revenue) to look forward to for the upcoming 2009 baseball season:

April

.

This pre-game shot of the field is sponsored by Zales:

"Baseball diamonds are a guy's best friend."]

The Yankees fire manager Joe Girardi after they lose the grand opening of the new Yankee Stadium. The job is offered to Tommy Lasorda, who politely refuses, commenting, in his typically colorful manner, "!?%&$#. ?&%#. !%#$@ #$&?%!!!"

Girardi is rehired.

Alex Rodriguez fails his drivers test. Paints his face taxicab yellow and apologizes. Blames the D.O.T.

Francisco Rodriguez blows a save. 20 Met fans commit suicide.

Dontrelle Willis retires a batter. 20 Tiger fans have heart attacks.

The Cubs move into first place. 20 Cub fans are confident …perhaps.

The Pittsburgh Pirates win a game (Are there even 20 Pirate fans?).

Andruw Jones hits his first home run. Loses 20 pounds rounding the bases.

May

.

[This swinging strikeout is sponsored by the Ace Windmill Company:

"We Really Blow"]

The Yankees fire Joe Girardi. George Steinbrenner names Billy Martin as the new Yankee manager for the sixth time. Sons Hal and Hank immediately fire Martin for having the audacity to be dead. The job goes back to Girardi.

Alex Rodriguez fails a paternity test. Paints his face baby blue and apologizes. Blames Madonna.

Oft-injured, 40-something John Smoltz goes on the disabled list and is replaced on the Red Sox rotation by oft-injured, 40-something Curt Schilling.

In a violent collision between the two most ferocious tempers in baseball, Cubs manager Lou Piniella benches outfielder Milton Bradley who becomes so enraged that they wind up fighting all over Wrigley Field for two hours, prompting inquiries from Vince McMahon and Don King.

June

.

[This shot of the filthy, tobacco juice-stained dugout floor issponsored by the Royal Gold-Plated Spittoon Company:

"Putting a touch of elegance into the most disgusting habit imaginable"]

.

The Yankees fire Joe Girardi. After Isiah Thomas expresses interest, Girardi is rehired forthwith.
.

Alex Rodriguez fails a personality test. Paints his face transparent and apologizes. Blames Freud.
.

Oft-injured, 40-something Curt Schilling goes on the disabled list and is replaced on the Red Sox rotation by oft-injured, 40-something Kenny Rogers.

Always ahead of the game, Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane trades a first round pick in the 2024 amateur draft to the Minnesota Twins in exchange for the rights to two players who haven’t been born yet.

.

Joe Torre signs a book deal for "The Dodger Years," saying, "Hey, at my age, you never know, right? ...Right??"

July

.

.
[This bench-clearing brawl is sponsored by BALCO:

"Roids Are All the Rage!"]

The Yankees fire Joe Girardi. "Just kidding," Hal and Hank laugh. "Dad needed a pick-me-up on his birthday."

Alex Rodriguez fails an IQ test. Paints his face with crayons and apologizes. Blames Barney.

.
Oft-injured, 40-something Kenny Rogers goes on the DL and is replaced on the Red Sox rotation by oft-injured, 40-something David Wells.

In his Hall of Fame acceptance speech, Rickey Henderson refers to himself in the third person 1,406 times, one for each base he stole in his career. Quipped one official, "I’m glad he wasn’t thinking about his career at-bats [10,961], or else we’d have been here ‘til November."

.

In a suspicious repeat of a suspicious event, a steel beam falls from the roof of an empty Yankee Stadium and smashes two seats behind home plate. The stadium was empty at the time so no injuries are reported. The Yankees demand that the city pay for a new, luxury box-only stadium to be built in the original Yankee Stadium’s spot or else they'll move the team to George Steinbrenner’s backyard in Tampa.

.

August

.

[This fight in the stands is brought to you by the makers of pepper spray and tear gas:

"Promising better things for a better life through chemistry."]

.

The Yankees fire Joe Girardi. Willie Randolph is brought in as the new manager (No, really, this one’s gonna happen).

The Yankees fire Willie Randolph after only one pitch and name Joe Girardi as interim manager (Well, this one could happen).

Alex Rodriguez fails a lie detector test. Puts a paper bag over his head and apologizes. Fails again. Blames Con Edison.

Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada apologizes for lying to Congress. But he’s lying about it. Rafael Palmeiro sues for copyright infringement.

Oft-injured, 40-something David Wells goes on the DL and is replaced on the Red Sox rotation by oft-injured, 40-something, Orlando Hernandez.
.

September

.

[The 2009 pennant race is brought to by the MLBPA, who remind the owners, "The collective bargaining agreement expires in two years. Be nice."]

.

The Yankees fire interim manager Joe Girardi and officially hire Girardi as his own replacement.
.

Alex Rodriguez fails a memory test. Forgets to paint his face and apologizes for failing to deny forgetting not to remember to confess that he can't recall lying about admitting that he denied using steroids. …Or Tic Tacs ("I can never get those damn things straight," he mumbles). Doesn’t recall that he wasn’t supposed to forget to blame somebody. But he can’t remember…

.

The Kansas City Royals, long out of the race and desperate to draw fans, have their first sellout of the year with, "Beer and Guns Night."

[Co-sponsored by the NRA and Budweiser.

"Remember, when you’re out of Bud...

.

BLAM!!

.

...Tough Schlitz!"]

.

Oft-injured, 40-something Orlando Hernandez goes on the DL and is replaced on the Red Sox rotation by oft-injured, 40-something Tom Glavine.
.

Joe Torre announces he’s leaving the game after signing book deals to write, "The Cardinal Years," "The Braves Years" and "The Mets Years," exclaiming, "This is gonna be bigger than Harry Potter!"

October

.

.
[The 2009 postseason is being sponsored by the team owners, who remind the MLBPA: "We blew it up before and we can do it again. Be nice."]

.

The Yankees fire Joe Girardi after finishing out of the postseason for the second straight year, only to realize that they can’t fire him because he quit three weeks ago.

Alex Rodriguez fails his exit interview. Grins, shrugs, collects his salary, jumps into his $350,000 Maybach 62S, happily chirps, "See you all next year!" and drives off with Britney Spears into the offseason.