The Most Powerful Weapon in Sports

I rarely make rash or extreme predictions, but with the New York Rangers up 2-0 on the Washington Capitals it's a very good possibility that the Rangers could sweep them out the door because of something I've been saying for years: A hot goaltender is the most powerful weapon in all sports.

More effective than a hot pitcher who only pitches every few days.

Better than a hot slugger who only comes up four times a game.

More dominant than any top football player who only plays offense or defense - not both at the highest level.

The high-scoring dominant basketball player comes the closest but even he comes out to rest now and then or can get in foul trouble. If a goalie gets penalized, he stays in the game while somebody else serves the time.

Unlike any other player in every team sport, the goalie is the only player who is in the game for the entire duration (Legendary goaltender Glen "Mr. Goalie" Hall played every minute of every game for seven consecutive years from 1956 to 1963. The season was 70-games long at that time). Even the goalie's teammates get to rest between shifts. By definition, there are no substitutions for the goaltender. His only breaks are the same ones the rest of the team gets between periods. Otherwise, he's out there for all 60 minutes and has to be 100% focused at all times, even if his own team is on the power play. In no other team sport is so much pressure involved for one position. That pressure, along with the fact that goalies didn't wear masks before 1959, caused some to suffer from shell shock and retire early. It was a very rough occupation. Hall-of-Famer Jacques Plante received over 200 stitches in his face over the course of his illustrious career. After getting hit flush by a slap shot in 1959, they stitched him up (right) and he finished the game wearing a mask, the first goalie to do so.

In short, if the goalie is stopping virtually every shot for 60 minutes (and overtime, if necessary), nothing else matters - except, of course, his teammates scoring at least one more goal than the opposition. This kind of one-man dominance that no other team sport can produce explains why there are so many more short playoff series' in hockey then in basketball. In many cases a hot goaltender has taken an otherwise mediocre club very far.

If Henrik Lundqvist, who's already one of the best in the business, kicks his game up even further - and he's showing signs of it so far - he could single-handedly take the Rangers pretty close to the Stanley Cup in spite of their weak offense. Hopefully for the Rangers they can score at least a little more so that they don't put too much of a load on Lundqvist.

BTW: What the Rangers DO have in that low-octane offense is two of the better clutch players in the game: Chris Drury and...Sean Avery. Yes, Sean Avery. Avery's no sniper and he's a royal pain in the ass, but when he does figure in a play it's often at a crucial point in the game. To borrow the old, tired, used-up, but very true addage: Like noted agitators Claude Lemieux, Die Domi, Ulf Samuelsson, Esa Tikkanen and Chris Nilan, as much as you hate Sean Avery, you love having him on your team.

To DH, Or Not to DH?

...That is the question. Okay, let's get right down to business: I never liked the designated hitter and I never will. There, I feel better now. What's that? Oh, you want details! Well, why didn't you say so?

Alright, for starters, one reason I dislike the DH is because when the idea was hatched by American League officials before the 1973 season it was not as much an attempt to improve the game as it was a cheap gimmick to boost league attendance, which was falling noticeably behind the National League. Obviously the intention was to spruce up the offense with the feeling that higher scoring games are more appealing (all of which made the record twelve 20-game winners in the AL an interesting first-year side-effect). The National League refused to go along and it's been the staple of the difference between the two leagues ever since. The other bad issue the DH provides is protection for pitchers who throw at batters. The baseball code of the jungle is that if a pitcher throws at your hitter, you at least brush that pitcher back or give him some chin music when he comes up; the old "purpose pitch." But as long as the pitcher doesn't have to bat, he doesn't have to worry. This has led to problems when umpires warn pitchers and teams when it comes to preventing on-field fights because not being allowed to retaliate, even in symbolic fashion, leads to more animosity that creates some attitude problems. Case in point: After Roger Clemens - a noted headhunter - beaned Mike Piazza in the head in 2000 and then threw the bat at him in the 2000 World Series (the single most idiotic thing I've ever seen in a sporting event), Clemens was able to hide for two years from any retaliation from the Mets (with a lot of help from Joe Torre's rotation scheduling that kept Clemens out of Shea Stadium). That incident was partially borne of the DH because if Clemens had to bat in that game, he might have wound up with a lot more problems than any performance-enhancing drug could have cured. If nothing else, he would never have thrown the bat in the first place.

I've heard all the pro-DH arguments a thousand times over, but I'll never totally buy into the DH in itself because it oversimplifies what's already a pretty simple game. I always enjoyed the cat-and-mouse strategies of late-game substitution patterns, especially when it involves pitchers. Face it, if Johan Santana is throwing a gem against your team and it's tied in the late innings, you're very happy if he's taken out for a pinch hitter. The DH eliminates that and it’s unfortunate because that often separates the good managers from the rest. I'm of the original way of baseball: Nine men bat, nine men play the field. Go ahead, call me "old school," "old fashioned," "traditionalist," whatever. I don't care. That's the way baseball’s been played for 140 years and I'm sticking by my guns.

Now, that being said, I'm realistic enough to know that sticking by my guns in this case doesn't necessarily mean that it's the best thing for the game anymore. Maybe it's time for the DH to finally go universal - and not because I’ve changed my mind (I haven’t, at least not since you started reading this), but here are some reasons it should be considered:

1) Historically, pitchers have never been good hitters and it’s not always fun to have a pitcher batting with runners in scoring position, I’ll grant the DH lover that old debate. However, believe it or don't, the party of the first part that has made the best point for the existence of the DH is - the National League! Always refuting the DH whenever possible, the NL has shown it's hypocrisy by having many of it's minor league affiliates use the DH, making it virtually impossible for pitchers to even know how to swing a bat, let alone how to hit major league pitching and some of them have looked really silly trying. It's an embarrassment.

2) Some hitters have made outstanding careers from being a DH; Frank Thomas, Edgar Martinez and David Ortiz, to name a few, as well as many players who can still be useful as hitters if they can’t play the field or are too old to be effective defensively. In spite of my feelings toward the DH it's wasteful to put a player out to pasture if he can still hit.

3) The dreaded [Dum-dum-DUUMMM!!!!] - Pitch Count (EEEEKK!!!) This has led directly to the advent of the bullpen and the disappearance of the complete game and it's been an equal trend in both leagues. The way the game is played today, too many pinch-hitters would burn through the bench well before the end of the game, which has made the double-switch the strategy of choice outside of a straight substitution or a pinch hitter. Counterpoint: One reason it may not make a difference is because of the frustrating tendencies of many underqualified managers who are trying to make a name for themselves by micromanaging an endless parade of pitchers to the mound for the lefty-righty righty-lefty matchups batter-by-batter. How many times have we seen a pitcher strike out a hitter and then get yanked in favor of a matchup, and then the new pitcher blows the inning or the game? Come on, already. The first pitcher struck the batter out! Leave him in the damn game! The matchups are important, but only to a certain point. If he's pitching well, let him finish the job. This is one of my pet peeves of baseball today and it's also one of the biggest reasons why games take so long to play. The DH won't necessarily solve that problem (in fact, it could make it worse, now that I think about it), but at least it would help save the bench in the event that a pinch-hitter is needed in a situation other than the pitcher's spot.

So basically, what it comes down to is this: Between all the pitching changes and double-switches pertaining to matchups and pitch counts, and the added situation of many of their pitchers not hitting in the minors, the NL has not only justified using the designated hitter, a rule they've been unilaterally opposed to for it's entire existence, but they've actually added to it's role. Well done, fellas. Congress would be very proud of your resolve. This is why I'm forced to reluctantly admit that the DH has evolved. I still don't like it, but it does have a purpose. So, with all this in mind, I propose one of two choices: Either have the National League as well as all levels of pro ball adopt it, or just abolish it altogether (The second one is my personal choice - not likely to happen, though). I can deal with the DH just so long as it doesn’t branch out into the other positions.

I say that because when the designated hitter was first introduced, the talk was that they’d eventually make further changes that would allow a designated runner for every occasion, which we almost had in 1974 when Oakland A’s owner Charley O. Finley experimented with a similar idea by signing world-class sprinter Herb Washington in 1974 strictly as a pinch-runner - which led to the most bizarre regular season numbers ever for one player: 92 games played, 29 steals, 29 runs and not one single at-bat. The A's used a few other athletes in that role as well. With the DH being a success and Finley's "DR" in use, the consideration at that juncture was that they could expand the concept even more so by putting a designated fielder for every good hitter who couldn't field or a DH for any slick-fielding banjo hitter. Baseball would become like football in that the nine best hitters and the nine best fielders would play separate roles. I shuddered whenever I thought about it because it would have deformed baseball beyond all recognition. It amazes me that some people were actually talking about this as a viable way to improve the game. Fortunately, saner heads prevailed. Besides, the one thing they didn't count on - or maybe they did? - was that the teams would have to double the rosters to make it work and as it turns out, that was probably the best reason for the owners not to do it (if they considered it at all - after all this is theoretical). One can only imagine what the payrolls would be like if they went through with it. If the fact that they didn't make baseball a designated sport was based on payroll considerations, then that could be the very first fringe benefit of the ridiculous salaries. Am I being absurd? Does nine work stoppages since 1972 with millionaire players fighting with billionaire owners sound any less absurd?

Speaking of irony, for a very short time in the 19th century, some major league teams were permitted to use a designated runner for the batter, usually the pitcher, and in some other instances, temporary substitutions were allowed. Hopefully it will never be proven that they were ahead of their time.

Baseball 2009

Ahhh, Spring Training. The sights and sounds of the game, the warm, sunny weather melting away the winter blues, the smaller, more intimate ballparks, the smell of the grass, players signing autographs, a time when it’s all optimism and fun and everyone is in first place because exhibition standings don’t mean a thing. But, like schoolkids trudging in from the playground to the classroom, once the bell rings it all changes. So here are some things (and some desperately needed adverti$ing revenue) to look forward to for the upcoming 2009 baseball season:

April

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This pre-game shot of the field is sponsored by Zales:

"Baseball diamonds are a guy's best friend."]

The Yankees fire manager Joe Girardi after they lose the grand opening of the new Yankee Stadium. The job is offered to Tommy Lasorda, who politely refuses, commenting, in his typically colorful manner, "!?%&$#. ?&%#. !%#$@ #$&?%!!!"

Girardi is rehired.

Alex Rodriguez fails his drivers test. Paints his face taxicab yellow and apologizes. Blames the D.O.T.

Francisco Rodriguez blows a save. 20 Met fans commit suicide.

Dontrelle Willis retires a batter. 20 Tiger fans have heart attacks.

The Cubs move into first place. 20 Cub fans are confident …perhaps.

The Pittsburgh Pirates win a game (Are there even 20 Pirate fans?).

Andruw Jones hits his first home run. Loses 20 pounds rounding the bases.

May

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[This swinging strikeout is sponsored by the Ace Windmill Company:

"We Really Blow"]

The Yankees fire Joe Girardi. George Steinbrenner names Billy Martin as the new Yankee manager for the sixth time. Sons Hal and Hank immediately fire Martin for having the audacity to be dead. The job goes back to Girardi.

Alex Rodriguez fails a paternity test. Paints his face baby blue and apologizes. Blames Madonna.

Oft-injured, 40-something John Smoltz goes on the disabled list and is replaced on the Red Sox rotation by oft-injured, 40-something Curt Schilling.

In a violent collision between the two most ferocious tempers in baseball, Cubs manager Lou Piniella benches outfielder Milton Bradley who becomes so enraged that they wind up fighting all over Wrigley Field for two hours, prompting inquiries from Vince McMahon and Don King.

June

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[This shot of the filthy, tobacco juice-stained dugout floor issponsored by the Royal Gold-Plated Spittoon Company:

"Putting a touch of elegance into the most disgusting habit imaginable"]

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The Yankees fire Joe Girardi. After Isiah Thomas expresses interest, Girardi is rehired forthwith.
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Alex Rodriguez fails a personality test. Paints his face transparent and apologizes. Blames Freud.
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Oft-injured, 40-something Curt Schilling goes on the disabled list and is replaced on the Red Sox rotation by oft-injured, 40-something Kenny Rogers.

Always ahead of the game, Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane trades a first round pick in the 2024 amateur draft to the Minnesota Twins in exchange for the rights to two players who haven’t been born yet.

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Joe Torre signs a book deal for "The Dodger Years," saying, "Hey, at my age, you never know, right? ...Right??"

July

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[This bench-clearing brawl is sponsored by BALCO:

"Roids Are All the Rage!"]

The Yankees fire Joe Girardi. "Just kidding," Hal and Hank laugh. "Dad needed a pick-me-up on his birthday."

Alex Rodriguez fails an IQ test. Paints his face with crayons and apologizes. Blames Barney.

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Oft-injured, 40-something Kenny Rogers goes on the DL and is replaced on the Red Sox rotation by oft-injured, 40-something David Wells.

In his Hall of Fame acceptance speech, Rickey Henderson refers to himself in the third person 1,406 times, one for each base he stole in his career. Quipped one official, "I’m glad he wasn’t thinking about his career at-bats [10,961], or else we’d have been here ‘til November."

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In a suspicious repeat of a suspicious event, a steel beam falls from the roof of an empty Yankee Stadium and smashes two seats behind home plate. The stadium was empty at the time so no injuries are reported. The Yankees demand that the city pay for a new, luxury box-only stadium to be built in the original Yankee Stadium’s spot or else they'll move the team to George Steinbrenner’s backyard in Tampa.

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August

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[This fight in the stands is brought to you by the makers of pepper spray and tear gas:

"Promising better things for a better life through chemistry."]

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The Yankees fire Joe Girardi. Willie Randolph is brought in as the new manager (No, really, this one’s gonna happen).

The Yankees fire Willie Randolph after only one pitch and name Joe Girardi as interim manager (Well, this one could happen).

Alex Rodriguez fails a lie detector test. Puts a paper bag over his head and apologizes. Fails again. Blames Con Edison.

Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada apologizes for lying to Congress. But he’s lying about it. Rafael Palmeiro sues for copyright infringement.

Oft-injured, 40-something David Wells goes on the DL and is replaced on the Red Sox rotation by oft-injured, 40-something, Orlando Hernandez.
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September

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[The 2009 pennant race is brought to by the MLBPA, who remind the owners, "The collective bargaining agreement expires in two years. Be nice."]

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The Yankees fire interim manager Joe Girardi and officially hire Girardi as his own replacement.
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Alex Rodriguez fails a memory test. Forgets to paint his face and apologizes for failing to deny forgetting not to remember to confess that he can't recall lying about admitting that he denied using steroids. …Or Tic Tacs ("I can never get those damn things straight," he mumbles). Doesn’t recall that he wasn’t supposed to forget to blame somebody. But he can’t remember…

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The Kansas City Royals, long out of the race and desperate to draw fans, have their first sellout of the year with, "Beer and Guns Night."

[Co-sponsored by the NRA and Budweiser.

"Remember, when you’re out of Bud...

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BLAM!!

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...Tough Schlitz!"]

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Oft-injured, 40-something Orlando Hernandez goes on the DL and is replaced on the Red Sox rotation by oft-injured, 40-something Tom Glavine.
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Joe Torre announces he’s leaving the game after signing book deals to write, "The Cardinal Years," "The Braves Years" and "The Mets Years," exclaiming, "This is gonna be bigger than Harry Potter!"

October

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[The 2009 postseason is being sponsored by the team owners, who remind the MLBPA: "We blew it up before and we can do it again. Be nice."]

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The Yankees fire Joe Girardi after finishing out of the postseason for the second straight year, only to realize that they can’t fire him because he quit three weeks ago.

Alex Rodriguez fails his exit interview. Grins, shrugs, collects his salary, jumps into his $350,000 Maybach 62S, happily chirps, "See you all next year!" and drives off with Britney Spears into the offseason.

Can't Anyone Here Run This Game?!

Hmmmm... Is it me or is Bud (The $18 Million Dollar Man) Selig getting that Bush-in-the-headlights look? Eerie, isn't it?

Alex, Go to Your Room! Bud (Light) Selig's response to the Alex Rodriguez debacle: "What Alex did was wrong and he will have to live with the damage he has done to his name and reputation." Thank you, Ward Cleaver.

Cutting to the Chase: Everyone - and I mean everyone - connected with Major League Baseball is guilty. Players, agents, teams, management, owners, the players union, and especially the stars of this travesty - the Three Stooges of baseball, "Commissioner" Bud Selig and players union heads Donald Fehr and Gene Orza. Fehr fought tooth-and-nail against steroid testing and Selig was completely half-assed in his attempts to rid the game of it, but everyone unofficially decided to sweep steroids under the rug after the '94-95 strike so they can regain their popularity through home runs and the Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa home run chase and it worked - until the whole thing came crashing down like the World Trade Center. They all sold their souls to performing enhancing drugs and now the entire industry is paying the price, and will continue to pay for generations to come, perhaps forever, because now even the players who didn't cheat will be considered guilty by asscociation. And remember, human growth hormone doesn't even have a test...at least not one that Fehr will allow.

Hey, Wanna Buy a Bridge? Alex Rodriguez's apology was as effective as his post-season hitting prowess. Obviously he had more interest in his tan than his sincerity (What the hell was with that Orangina look, anyway?). Memo to the rest of you cheaters: Don't even bother to apologize. As I've said before, players (and people in general) only apologize after they get caught and this is blinding evidence to it. Rodriguez juiced, he lied about it, he got nailed, his career is tarnished and he deserves all the derision heading his way, in spite of the extenuating circumstances (more on that later). Like Mark McGwire, Rodriguez is truly a fraud (Right, Joe?) They all knew the legal and health risks, but they didn't give a damn, and thanks to HGH, they still don't. They know they can get away with it because baseball, much like politicians, has this incredibly arrogant attitude that it doesn't have to operate under the same laws that the rest of society does. The best remedy for that is for the government to rip baseball of it's anti-trust exemption. That would be a good Skin Bracer-like slap in the face that baseball desperately needs.

Well, I Can Dream, Can't I? How profound a statement would it be if the Yankees decided to void Rodriguez's contract? There may not be a legal way for them to do it because his steroid use took place (allegedly) while he played for the Texas Rangers, but who can believe anybody now? If the Yankees had the stones and ethical motivation to drop him, it would give them credibility beyond the call for doing something nobody else seems to be interested in doing: protecting the integrity of the game. It's not unprecedented. In September of 1920 the Chicago White Sox were in a tight pennant race with the Cleveland Indians when the truth came out about seven Chicago players agreeing to throw the 1919 World Series, a group which included their two best players: Shoeless Joe Jackson (a career .356 hitter) and three-time 20-game winner Eddie Cicotte. Nevertheless, owner Charles Comiskey immediately suspended the players, thus wrecking his team's pennant chances. They finished two games out, but Comiskey stood on a vitally important principle (Those seven players were subsequently found guilty and barred from Major League Baseball for life). If the Yankees took this golden opportunity to invest in the game itself by booting Rodriguez, even the most bloodthirsty Yankee hater would have no choice but to applaud. Unfortunately, gambling has been deemed a far worse violation to the game's integrity than cheating is (Right, Pete?). Not anymore, it isn't.

Counterpoint: Somebody would sign Rodriguez. "He can help us," is always the mantra - that being a euphemism for tolerance and acceptance of PEDs and that's a direct result of Major League Baseball's "don't ask, don't tell" policy. It's a tricky road because if the Yankees jettison Rodriguez and the other teams stick up for the game by not picking him up (even if the Yankees released him and ate his contract - hell, they can afford it), the players union would cry collusion and technically they'd be right. But the line has to be drawn somewhere and it better be drawn soon. In the meantime, four of the greatest players of their generation, Rodriguez, McGwire, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens (who were all great without steroids), will likely never get into the Hall of Fame and two of them could wind up in prison. Future civilizations may find out more about the Great American Pastime than we want them to (Hot dogs, apple pie, baseball and...The Clear?).

Winning: It's Not Just a Game, It's an Addiction! When there's so much money at stake, a franchise in any sport signing a player in spite of his sordid history - be it legal or chemical - is driven by the same symptom that fuels gambling addiction: Even the most remote possibility of winning is worth any risk. It's the saddest possible commentary on organized sports in every level - from performance enhancing drugs in the pros to repeat offenders on the police blotter, to colleges and high schools floating grades for talented but financially and/or academically poor athletes, all the way down to those Little League parents and their mentally challenged method of yelling and carrying on from the stands as if they had a wager on the game itself and embarrassing everyone around them, not to mention humiliating their kid on the field.

The Flip Side: The leaking of Rodriguez's name may wind up being a criminal act because the drug tests were supposed to be taken, not for punishment, but for finding out how bad the steroid problem was. A "Survey Test" is the name they gave it. After the testing agreement between MLB and the players union was struck, union associate general counsel Gene Orza allegedly informed players about the impending tests beforehand to give them a chance to get the drugs out of their systems before testing day. That cowardly act didn't help 104 players. But it gets worse. The agreement stated that the records were supposed to have been disposed of forthwith but MLB and the players union botched the play and the feds got a subpoena to get the test results for the BALCO case before they could be destroyed. Now that Rodriguez's name has been leaked by the media, what of the other 103 players? Many people are calling for their names to be released. Donald Fehr replied, "Whatever rights individual players had under those agreements have to be respected." In all fairness, that doesn't do Rodriguez any good, does it? Whether Fehr realizes it or not, "those agreements" have been violated anyway because now they're all at the mercy of the media. How well are they are sleeping knowing they could wake up tomorrow morning and be outed?

All the Crap That's Fit to Stink: The media showed it's usual selfish lack of respect for anything and anyone but themselves and got hold of some info that they shouldn't have gotten (Knowing how underhanded the media can be, how they did it is probably another sordid affair). They whine, "It's newsworthy! We must report it." Yes, it's newsworthy, but considering that this was confidential information that was acquired as a result of an act of irresponsibility that will certainly have legal ramifications, the media should show at least some responsibility of it's own by helping to adhere to the ethics involved in this particular case, specifically, the respect for the players' privacy the agreement guaranteed, illegal steroids or not. The media's job is to report the news, not create it. But in this venue they and professional sports feed off each other while playing the same game: Sell the product and rake in the dough no matter what. Damn the ethics, full speed ahead. And they succeed because there are enough gullible people out there who eat it up by reading the papers, watching and listening to the mindless sports-talk clowns and root, root, root for the home team regardless of how it's done. There are no innocent bystanders - not even the fans. In spite of the economy, baseball is swimming in money, attendance is good, memorabilia sales are through the roof, and new ballparks keep popping up like weeds. The general outlook of fans is to boo and verbally abuse the living hell out of a steroid user, but if he's on your team, you don't mind (Exhibit A: Barry Bonds was adored in San Francisco).

Olde School: Maybe I'm an old-fashioned idiot, but I've gotten to the point where I'll generally try to fish out the basics. Just give me the ballgame, the boxscore and a recap and I'm fine. You can keep the peripherals and the controversy. A trade rumor, a good story is nice. I don't ignore the important things but I don't obsess over them. But now it feels like the walls are closing in. Look at all the garbage on the headline list: Steroids, lawsuits, arrests, reports of a former player that may have AIDS. That gets top billing over Spring Training, which, by the way, has officially started. Oh, you didn't know? Pitchers and catchers are reporting.

Don't Let This Happen to You: The deaths of Lyle Alzado and Ken Caminiti obviously wasn't enough of a convincer of how dangerous PEDs are. The only way something is ever going to get done is if a player drops dead right there on the field in the middle of a game and the autopsy shows that some kind of PED contributed to his death. Then, and only then will sincere regret and the thought of actually doing the right things cross the minds of everyone (us being such a disaster-oriented species). That's precisely what happened in Cincinnati on Opening Day in 1996 when home plate umpire John McSherry collapsed and died on the field. Only then did baseball "spring into action" and institute a program designed to make sure umpires stayed in better shape, which had been a lingering problem up to that point. McSherry's onfield death is what it took to get something done and it will be the same way again with PEDs. Until then, sleep on this all you cheaters: You could be the one being pulled off the field in a box and all the fans sitting in the stands and watching on national TV will be eyewitnesses - and the media will still have the last laugh. But it's not funny. Sadly, nobody has the last laugh on the media. At least not yet.

Nyahh, Nyahh!! I can almost hear Jose Canseco laughing his @$$ off through all this. Should everyone thank that idiotic, selfish, back-stabbing, opportunistic phony for blowing the whistle or should they beat him up? I say, thank him...then beat him up.

Walk Towards the Light: One thing that seems to be going unnoticed is that only the players are getting punished. What about Selig? How about Fehr, Orza and all 30 teams that allowed this to ferment over the last 20 years? None of them are being called out on the carpet. Selig says Alex Rodriguez has "shamed the game." Look in the mirror and say that, Bud. As the above photos dictate, you're credibility is at George Bush level and dropping like a safe. If Major League Baseball has any interest in regaining what's left of it's good name, then every single last one of them - Selig, league officials, labor, management, agents, - all of them - should get together and organize a publicity campaign leading off with apologies across the board and make it as relentless as an election campaign (After all, the mindset of pro sports and politicians is virtually indistinguishable, now). Full page ads, TV commercials, billboards, outfield walls, the Internet, every way possible. Convince us. Or at least try to convince us. Do something legit. Don't wait for somebody to die on the field, because as long as there's no policy against HGH, it's inevitable. Come clean now and stay clean, and then maybe, just maybe, we can all finally move on.

....maybe.

Letters From the Abyss

Dear Kobe Bryant and LeBron James,

Thank you for your auditions. The jobs are yours as soon as the windows open.

Sincerely,
- The Knicks

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Dear Joe Torre,

Guess you were right.

"Love,"
- A-Fraud

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Dear A-Roid,

Always room for one more.

Sincerely,
- Jose Cansteroid, Barroid, McGwiroid, Palmeiroid, and Roidger

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Dear Andruw Jones,

Thank you for signing and here are your P.E.Ds. Don't worry, we've helped many players over the years (and Lord knows you need the help).

- The Texas Rangers pharmaceutical staff

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Dear Stephon Marbury,

Well??!

Sincerely,
- Your career

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Dear MLB,

WELL??!!!

Sincerely,
- Manny Ramirez, Adam Dunn, Bobby Abreu, Garrett Anderson, and Ken Griffey Jr's careers

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Dear Michael Phelps,

Good luck with your new image, man.

Regards,

- Cheech and Chong